on pigeonholing people
(the impatient reader may like to skip straight to the middle section of this post, entitled The Revelation)
Pigeonholing 101
If there’s one thing people really hate, it’s being pigeonholed.
pigeonhole: 4. to assign a definite place or to definite places in some orderly system: to pigeonhole new ideas.
Think of an occasion when someone didn’t react well to you. If there’s someone who doesn’t react well to you on a regular basis, although a regrettable (but ever so common) state of affairs, that’s an even better example to bring to mind for the purposes of this.
I suspect that if you have a little ponder, a significant component of that person’s bad reaction to you is that they feel pigeonholed in their interaction with you. There’s something about the interaction which closes down the possibilities for enjoyment, interest, progress etc., and the only thing left is a bad reaction.
In fact, if you have a little ponder more, any bad interaction can be solved by actively not pigeonholing the person you’re having a bad interaction with. By not pigeonholing someone, the space of possible actions grows, imagination is encouraged and something constructive can happen.
The Revelation
In fact, on a recent phone call I realised something that fairly well staggered me, in its obviousness as well as its spaciousness:
- Me pigeonholing others is not the only source of relationship messing-up pigeonholingness!
My moment of revelation on the phone call was when I realised this:
- When I pigeonhole another, the other feels dislike towards me.
- When another pigeonholes me, I feel dislike towards the other.
- When another pigeonholes themselves in my presence, the other feels dislike towards our relationship and therefore frequently me.
- When I pigeonhole myself in another’s presence, I feel dislike towards our relationship, and therefore frequently the other.
So, when feeling stuck in any sort of relationship (friendly, working, loving, any human interaction whatsoever), look out for pigeonholing, but not just the traditional ‘me pigeonholing them’, any of these 4 variations is liable to be at play fouling things up. Telling the difference between them is useful information with which to respond to each variety of pigeonholing with more skill and appropriateness, and erasing it from your life wherever its making a mess.
Advanced Pigeonholing
Some extra classifications/hints towards dealing with each of the four types above:
- When I pigeonhole another, the other feels dislike towards me.
me: aggressor
other: victim
my strategy: quit pigeonholing. Don’t prevent the other from surprising me and invite them to behave outside my expectations. - When another pigeonholes me, I feel dislike towards the other.
me: victim
other: aggressor
my strategy: refuse to be pigeonholed. Surprise the other, behave outside their expectations, but don’t retaliate, just ignore the pressure to behave predictably, and behave freely and as myself. - When another pigeonholes themselves in my presence, the other feels dislike towards our relationship and therefore frequently me.
me: accomplice
other: trapped by themselves
my strategy: don’t collaborate with the other’s pigeonholing of themselves. Create options for them to opt out of pigeonholing themselves, invite them to try those different options. - When I pigeonhole myself in another’s presence, I feel dislike towards our relationship, and therefore frequently the other.
me: trapped by myself
other: accomplice
my strategy: recognise that I’m the one pigeonholing myself, don’t place any blame on the other, or myself. Refuse to allow the other to be my accomplice. Stop pigeonholing myself, accept any invitations from the other that lead away from me pigeonholing myself.
My feeling is that less pigeonholing = more and more exciting possibilities.
